LIgHt SLeePEr, HEaVy DReAmEr.

An Unexpected Adventure
I hate people.
I thought I’ve changed.
I let more people in.
But the way they act is just weird.
There are many people who want my attention. 
I don’t literally need anyone. 
I don’t like people.
I don’t beg for your attention. 
I seriously take you as an important one but you don’t do the same.
It’s funny as I always choose the wrong one and it makes me hate people more. ^^
This is the last thing I want to type. I will say goodbye forever to the one who behaves like “that”.
If you’re still a “good” person, put yourself in my place and see if you did right.
But I don’t blame anyone, I’m wrong. I’m so thankful for some little things you did for me before and I choose to see you as a special one to me.
Life sucks!

I hate people.

I thought I’ve changed.

I let more people in.

But the way they act is just weird.

There are many people who want my attention. 

I don’t literally need anyone. I don’t like people.

I don’t beg for your attention. 

I seriously take you as an important one but you don’t do the same.

It’s funny as I always choose the wrong one and it makes me hate people more. ^^

This is the last thing I want to type. I will say goodbye forever to the one who behaves like “that”.

If you’re still a “good” person, put yourself in my place and see if you did right.

But I don’t blame anyone, I’m wrong. I’m so thankful for some little things you did for me before and I choose to see you as a special one to me.

Life sucks!

Again

You are…
The very first man who hugs me.
The very first man who sees me smile.
The very first man who catches me crying.
The very first man who makes me believe that he will by all means fulfill his promises.
The very first man who will surely stand by me until the last minute.
A man who doesn’t care how I look, who I am, what I do; A man who always stays with me and guides me to go the right way.
The funniest man in the world ;)
The man who never says sweet words but does sweet things ;)
The only one, until now, who I am sure will love me till the end of time.
No matter how old I get, I am always your little princess ;)
I love laying down on the couch and watching TV with you.
I love the way you explaining a lot of new things to me.
I love holding your hands and walking around the park like we did every night before I came here.
I love to follow you… everywhere you go… ask you a lot of questions… 
The more I grow up, the more older you get…
The more successful I am, the more I admire you…
Thank you so much for bringing me to this life…
Thank you so much for giving me a chance to be your daughter…
If I had more lives, I would love to be your daughter again, again, and again :)
And I wish my daughter could be as lucky as me to have a dad like you.
I love you.

You are…

The very first man who hugs me.

The very first man who sees me smile.

The very first man who catches me crying.

The very first man who makes me believe that he will by all means fulfill his promises.

The very first man who will surely stand by me until the last minute.

A man who doesn’t care how I look, who I am, what I do; A man who always stays with me and guides me to go the right way.

The funniest man in the world ;)

The man who never says sweet words but does sweet things ;)

The only one, until now, who I am sure will love me till the end of time.

No matter how old I get, I am always your little princess ;)

I love laying down on the couch and watching TV with you.

I love the way you explaining a lot of new things to me.

I love holding your hands and walking around the park like we did every night before I came here.

I love to follow you… everywhere you go… ask you a lot of questions… 

The more I grow up, the more older you get…

The more successful I am, the more I admire you…

Thank you so much for bringing me to this life…

Thank you so much for giving me a chance to be your daughter…

If I had more lives, I would love to be your daughter again, again, and again :)

And I wish my daughter could be as lucky as me to have a dad like you.

I love you.

Food Food Food <3 <3 <3

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Dim-sum <3

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Green mango - Soup

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Roll rice??? I don’t know :( but my mom loves this :P

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Wonton <3 I love the fried one more than this :P

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Dessert - Black bean

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Noodle 

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Tofu <3

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Beef <3

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Thai food <3 Spicy <3 <3 <3

To be honest, I’m not a fan of Vietnamese food T_T I prefer salad, bacon, and sushi =))

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Rutgers University 

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Asian Market

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I miss my brother when I look at those cakes… We usually go to the bakery to buy cakes like this every weekend… Sweet memory <3

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Mom loves those roasted ducks :P and I love it, too… Someone said we will have this but we still haven;t got the chance… I will eat the whole duck and send you the picture instead :P 

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Those Vietnamese cakes that I never eat >”<

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Blueberry <3 

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The love of my life <3

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Korean Market

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My favorite bakery in Ho Chi Minh City :P

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Aww… Too cute <3

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Shopping… Again and again…

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I love this so so so much <3

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Long hair don’t care :P

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My boy :P The 9-year legend :P I would say I’m the weirdest girl in the world but you can still stand me :)) Poor you =))

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It’s such a long time haven’t seen NY’s car.

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My most favorite day here so far… 

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My 2nd favorite place after KPA :P 

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Main street

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McDonald

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Hibachiiiiiiiiiiiii <3 <3 <3 The American man who sits in front of us has chopsticks, but why the two Asian people here using forks??? =))

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I’ve never seen this timing machine before… What a countryside girl! :(

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Someone is so silly :P Even you don’t say that, through all the things you have done for me, I know I’m your treasure :”>

But thank you for everything… It was so good to see you again… Once again, you show me that if we really want to do something, we’ll find a way. There is no excuse :) 

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So far, it’s so bored :(

Who love a life only eating, shopping, and enjoying? I admire them a lot!

I can’t stand it. I want to work, I want to use my brain, I want to be busy, I want to do something!!!

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Hong Nhung,
Bai Hat Ru Mua Xuan

"Dad is a bird that flies you to the sky.

Mom is a flower that you stick on your chest.

Dad and Mom are the shields that protect you for a lifetime.

Because you are dad’s daughter, dad’s daughter is very good.

Because you are mom’s daughter, mom’s daughter is very gentle.

When you grow up, 

flying everywhere, 

don’t forget,

Dad and Mom are always your home.”

Dad just left a song on my facebook with a message saying that he misses his daughter and he wishes I could be strong…

I listen to the song and I cry again… :(

I just realize that I’m so weak after I came here… Or maybe… Leaving far far far away from family and friends teaches me to treasure all the things people do for me, even it’s just a little, a very little one…

Mom and Dad are always my home… Dad sent it as a reminder that he is always beside me… Whenever I go, whatever I do, I always bring mom and dad with me, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. That’s how I maintain my pureness, innocence, and sincereness. I’m so sorry that sometimes I was so weak and I let you know some of my obstacles that make you worry… I won’t do that again… I don’t want to make you worry about me… I want dad to be happy… I will continue to be a good daughter, be smart, and be strong. I promise!

I’m not a kid.
I wish I could be a kid so that I could cry for myself whenever I’m sad.
I hate being sensitive when it comes to my feelings for other people. And I don’t want to cry but I can’t help.
But why? Why I can’t cry for myself?
I haven’t cried since I left that place although the pain that I feel is a thousand time more than all the pains that made me cry there before.
And I hate you. I wish I could hate you.
I bet you know everything but I wish you don’t care and don’t know. If you really know this and you let it go like this, I feel myself worthless, seriously. _ To you: I hate you. The more you enjoy yourself now and the more desperate I am, the more I hate you.

Happy Birthday, my Brother!!!

The one who always complaints how long it takes me to prepare before I go out…

The one who always criticizes how “princess” I am but still loves me and does everything for me :”>

The only one who always compliments my food :)

I can’t make a cake like this for you this year, but you seem to have a lot of fun with your colleagues there - far far far away from me >”<

And I’m jealous… >O< I want to be with you toooooooo…

I don’t know when I can make another birthday cake for you cause now we live far away from each other, and when you get home, I probably somewhere else… But if I am home, mom will make the cake and I will decorate it like we usually do ;) You know I don’t know how to bake, haha. 

I love you…

Let see if we can meet in August when you get home… ;) I miss home, miss dad, miss mom, and miss you, a lot!!!

I would say this is what I love the most in the US ;)
I love white cars too. Is it the reason why you guys buy white cars? Haha. Just kidding ;)

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Can you see how much the baby loves me???

I’ve always thought that there are only older people, kids, and dogs love me :”> And Steph said that it’s a big lie =)) Aww… I would rather say that it’s mutual love :)

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Aww… We’re matching… <3 <3 <3. Probably three months later, he will get bigger and I can’t hold him like this anymore ;) but I probably leave this country by then ;)

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My first time getting around horse… A little bit scary but funnnnn <3

Isn’t she gorgeous???!!! I was born in horse year too :)

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I come from a big city. I’ve always thought that America would be a thousands times modern than my city… =)) Life is unpredictable =)) but I enjoy nature <3 Ah, I once told Zip that I’m a countryside girl, and she told me I shouldn’t say that to people cause I don’t look like it >”<

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Steph’s family learn how to use chopsticks ^_^ They enjoy hot pot <3 I really don’t know how to make it. J always makes it for me… I even don’t pay attention when he buys the ingredients and foods to cook it… I feel so bad… :( At least, I’m smart in other things (=^.^=)

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My signature on the ball… Steph and Christ want it in case I would be famous in the future =)) There is something that never happen =))

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I LOVE KEFIR <3 <3 <3

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Stony Brook Park on the last day…

We’re always small compare to nature…

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I fit with Steph’s youngest sister’s shoes >”< I fit with this too >”< I’m not American size T_T

Ah, random outfit but still look good :P

Goodbye NYS!
Goodbye “whoever” it is…
Hope you will always be happy ;)
Until we meet again…

5/31/2014 8:00

Last night, I couldn’t hold it any more and I told mom all the difficulties I’m currently having… I can’t sleep. I am worried a lot that I can’t sleep. I am rejected for jobs because of my visa. I feel so disappointed when they say that. And I have nothing here… mom, dad, family, no place that called “home” to comeback. I didn’t cry, cause I can’t let mom know that…

Mom just smiles and tells me I have already overcome major difficulties in life. Mom is so proud to see that I mature day by day. I have never done anything that makes her ashamed. I always try my best move forward. Instead of hanging out with friends, I work and I learn a lot, and she feels so happy that she can supports me with all my plans. Now I have some certain achievements in my education and my career. I have a house full of love and supports which is always welcomed me to go back. I don’t have to worry much about money cause I got a strong support from my family. I am the one who chooses to take the challenge to learn and be more matured. But I have to acknowledge that now, no matter which way I choose, they are all good. So whenever I think I can’t do it anymore, just go back to where I was, and I can start a new journey again… And I love dad and mom so much… Dad texted me and said if I don’t want to comeback now, it is still fine, just take care. Dad said the beginning is always difficult. And he knows that his daughter usually messes up when things don’t turn out the way she wants so he tells me that I should be calm and take good care of myself :) 

I miss the time in Keuka College. I have always thought that being a student is the time that you don’t have to worry much about anything. Life is just so simple. Before, whenever I finished with class, I went to the gym, went to the geiser, and when back to KPA which I used to call “home”. Now, I don’t have a place to call home to go back… which is quite sad huh?! :)

I talked to my boss in Vietnam that I figure out I fit more with education. I had several interviews and I met people outside of education. I am sorry to say that I feel so messy. Since I have worked in the academic environment, the way people dress, the way people talk, and the way they behave are so polite and gentle. I get sick with noisy places, messy people, and gossips. As my boss told me to go back, I promised him if I can’t get any job until the end of June, I will go back. He advised me that if I really want to make education my career path, I should think of getting a PhD. I do. I have looked up a lot. I love to comeback and study in this country but the requirements are quite high. But at least, I still have many other options, many other countries that I can still go :) Deep inside, I know the reason why I want to come back here. I should be less sensitive and be more rational :)

Thinh will come here tonight and we will leave tomorrow. Thank you as I still have good friends to count on :)

J told me that he misses me a lot. Isn’t it so good to be with a man that never hesitates to show people that he cares a lot for the girl he likes?

:)

I still wish that “someone” would try to contact me soon :) foolish me :P

I should pack up now :)

Ah, this morning we went to Stony Brook Park, it was so beautiful!!! I love nature!!! I regret not putting any make up on to take good pictures T_T

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Ok, I have always thought that collarbones are so attractive… I’m losing it because I’m getting fat =)) For men, I might be weird, but I love the feeling of his growing beard touching my cheeks and neck (=^.^=) Don’t think dirty!!! When I kiss dad on the cheek or when I hug dad, I can feel his beard so whenever any man does the same to me, I have a feeling of “family”, “love” and “belonging” :) I don’t like men who have long bear though, so scary :( 

It’s my first time playing this! I should always smile like this :P

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The best is yet to come :)

I’m no longer a full moon… no longer a pure moon…
I slept only 2 hours the day before graduation, and less than 5 hours per day after graduation till now…
I have three interviews and I don’t think it’s gonna go anywhere… Two of them reject me because of my visa, and one hasn’t found out yet but they would reject me as soon as they know it. It is quite disappointed because my boss in Ho Chi Minh tells me to go back and help him but I am nothing here because of my visa. I can stay only until June next year when I get a job and it&#8217;s just short-term&#8230; Xerox, Aldi, CVS&#8230; I understand because if people like me have equal opportunities like people who are living here, it will be even more ridiculous! I just want to learn more things here. Language, people, working style&#8230; I feel it&#8217;s such a failure when I say something and people don&#8217;t understand&#8230; I just want to hit my head against the wall T_T
S told me if she were me, she would comeback. She can see how hard it is cause she is with me now. I don&#8217;t get enough sleep. The amount of time I spend on a computer probably 3 times more than I did when I was in school. And I worry a lot&#8230; It makes me stressed and disappointed&#8230; S comes upstair several times asking if I want anything to eat cause I don&#8217;t eat much&#8230; I&#8217;m already full of sadness now ^^ S keeps asking me the reasons why I choose to stay. If it&#8217;s just because I want to learn english, it&#8217;s not that worth. Yes, I want to learn more, I want to take on challenge, I want to mature, I want to stay closer to all the great people I meet here one more year, I want to stay close to that man&#8230; but I can&#8217;t tell anyone&#8230; I always keep things myself. I have never told anyone anything about him. Everything we talked, everything I thought. I find myself so stupid because when I&#8217;m sad and disappointed, I think of him. It doesn&#8217;t help anything, it makes me feel even worse. He doesn&#8217;t think of me, doesn&#8217;t miss me. I wish we could be friend, at least, we can talk to each other, I probably feel better. I wish he knows that I need advice a lot as I don&#8217;t know anything here. And I don&#8217;t know any mean to keep in touch. But if he wants to, he could do it. At least, now I know, he doesn&#8217;t care. All he can say is just &#8220;until we meet again&#8221;. He even doesn&#8217;t want to drive me to town to get the eye drop, and I don&#8217;t know why I was so angry on that day. I&#8217;d better shut up cause I&#8217;m getting angry again. 
Anyway, I will go to NJ on Saturday cause I can&#8217;t find any more reason to keep staying here. I already decided that if I can&#8217;t find a job in June, I will go back home in July. Life seems to say no and it means that the fate is already ended. People usually says that fate is in our hand which is quite right. I have done a lot of things. I asked him a lot of things and he has never did anything, even the smallest thing like sending me the road signs. I should stop being stupid.
No one is special, just because we make them special! 

I’m no longer a full moon… no longer a pure moon…

I slept only 2 hours the day before graduation, and less than 5 hours per day after graduation till now…

I have three interviews and I don’t think it’s gonna go anywhere… Two of them reject me because of my visa, and one hasn’t found out yet but they would reject me as soon as they know it. It is quite disappointed because my boss in Ho Chi Minh tells me to go back and help him but I am nothing here because of my visa. I can stay only until June next year when I get a job and it’s just short-term… Xerox, Aldi, CVS… I understand because if people like me have equal opportunities like people who are living here, it will be even more ridiculous! I just want to learn more things here. Language, people, working style… I feel it’s such a failure when I say something and people don’t understand… I just want to hit my head against the wall T_T

S told me if she were me, she would comeback. She can see how hard it is cause she is with me now. I don’t get enough sleep. The amount of time I spend on a computer probably 3 times more than I did when I was in school. And I worry a lot… It makes me stressed and disappointed… S comes upstair several times asking if I want anything to eat cause I don’t eat much… I’m already full of sadness now ^^ S keeps asking me the reasons why I choose to stay. If it’s just because I want to learn english, it’s not that worth. Yes, I want to learn more, I want to take on challenge, I want to mature, I want to stay closer to all the great people I meet here one more year, I want to stay close to that man… but I can’t tell anyone… I always keep things myself. I have never told anyone anything about him. Everything we talked, everything I thought. I find myself so stupid because when I’m sad and disappointed, I think of him. It doesn’t help anything, it makes me feel even worse. He doesn’t think of me, doesn’t miss me. I wish we could be friend, at least, we can talk to each other, I probably feel better. I wish he knows that I need advice a lot as I don’t know anything here. And I don’t know any mean to keep in touch. But if he wants to, he could do it. At least, now I know, he doesn’t care. All he can say is just “until we meet again”. He even doesn’t want to drive me to town to get the eye drop, and I don’t know why I was so angry on that day. I’d better shut up cause I’m getting angry again. 

Anyway, I will go to NJ on Saturday cause I can’t find any more reason to keep staying here. I already decided that if I can’t find a job in June, I will go back home in July. Life seems to say no and it means that the fate is already ended. People usually says that fate is in our hand which is quite right. I have done a lot of things. I asked him a lot of things and he has never did anything, even the smallest thing like sending me the road signs. I should stop being stupid.

No one is special, just because we make them special! 

I had an interview with Lowe’s this morning and I did amazingly stupid again :P

Then… I was “there” again… :)

But we didn’t turn left to enter Keuka Park as what we usually do :)

My road has changed. We will not be on the same road again :) and we will never meet again :) and I don’t know how to keep in touch… unless someone still wants to keep in touch with me :) 

I found that someone has more beautiful hands than mine today :)

So tired for job seeking… Gonna sleep right now >”<

Good night :*

I have a memorable Memorable Day :P

I am cooking American food :P OK, I even don’t know what is that >”<

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Best part of the day <3 <3 <3 food food food <3 <3 <3

We have lunch outside… Honestly, I am just not used to sitting under the sun… I’m afraid of the sun… It’s like a habit >”<

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It is my first time jumping on this and it is so much fun!!!

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I am the most famous soft ball player from Vietnam :P

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The way we play tennis is absolutely ridiculous!!! =))) Anw, it has been the most healthy day ever =)) Honestly, I don’t know any sport except swimming :”> I would love to have a chance to try playing golf :) 

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Do you see the house up on the hill? Does it look scary? It’s like a haunted house >”< Steph said that they don’t allow people to go there. I would never go up there, even they pay me to do that >”<image

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I don’t go to NJ anymore…

I have never planned to go there…

:)

By the end of this month, I will be homeless :)

Life please be nice to me :P

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I was so tired today as I cleaned up and packed up… It is already 4:30 and I saw your new status on facebook… Why you have to be that good to me… Tonight is the last night I’m here and when I was cleaning, I thought of a lot of things… I realize I have received a lot of love, a lot of care, a lot of little things that makes me more special than any other girls… I have someone’s lamp, someone’s blanket, someone’s umbrella… and I have your mouse, your umbrella, your ID, your jacket…

I am not a very beautiful girl, not a very smart girl, not a very kind girl. I have nothing special. I even have a lot of imperfections that you can easily figure out when you get close to me. I am pessimistic, skeptical, thinking too much, stubborn, unstable, easy to get angry… I am totally opposite from how I look, how I generally behave. I think you have experienced a lot of times I got mad. When I go shopping for a long time and I get tired, I become angry and grumpy. When things do not turn out the way I want it to be, I get mad and put them all away, whatever will be will be, I don’t care anymore. And I got extremely mad today. Today I know, from what he said, from what he did, it is apparent that that person doesn’t want me the way I want him. I felt the pain in my heart and I got mad, as mad as I shut my mouth up, kept silent, and ignored everything. And it still hurts me now… I think it’s enough. I can’t handle it any more. Why I have to keep hurting myself while there are other people who love and treasure me even more than I do for myself?! I am such a failure! I am so rational and logical in everything but I can’t be like that in love. I trust my feelings a lot and I follow what my stupid heart tells me.  I’ve always thought we use our brain so much that we lose our heart and become so “over realistic” and materialistic. So, I tell myself, I can be rational in anything but love. I want to keep it as pure as I can, but I think I should change my mind now. That stupid thought hurt me again and again; I fall again and again; but I still haven’t learned any lesson. If I could be smarter, I could have had a beautiful love; I could have not torture myself because I have hurt many good men… And I hate when people give me options cause I just keep choosing the wrong one. Even turning left or turning right, I don’t want to choose. I prefer going ahead, alone, or if I am really forced to turn, I rather stop there and get stuck…

You are a true man. The way you think, the way you behave, everything you do, they are all what a true good man does, and not only me but also everyone realizes that. You are very straight. You only say the truth. You care for everyone, but you treat the girl you love extremely special than any other girl. When I got sick, you drove me to the hospital. When my eye got problems again, you were the only one who I could share, who helped me, who remembered all the appointments and drove me to the doctor. When I got my first interview, I didn’t ask but you offered to take me there. You drove me from NY to NJ, you carried my stuffs to NC, you drove me around Atlanta, Georgia. You helped me fill out the application, looked up the driving manual for me, drove me to take the writing test, taught me how to drive, taught me the road signs, took me to the pre-licensing class and waited there 5 hours… You even looked up the road test to see whether you could help me more before you go. I remember during the last day of class, you listed out what things left to do and you said that you would finish the reflective post that day so that you would have more time to teach me all the things that they asked you to do during the road test. You stated that it would be “the last thing” that you could do for me before you leave… Do you know that it made me cry on the way I went back home that day and I am also crying right now. I noticed that all the money I gave you back, you even don’t touch them, they’re still in your car. There are a lot of many other things that I even can’t count them all. You already shipped your stuffs to San Francisco but still leave one jacket here for me because you know I already packed all my coats. I can’t imagine how my life here would be if I don’t have you. Whenever people ask me, I don’t say anything. They must think about me as a really bad girl, and I feel myself really bad too. But what other people see even less than what you actually did for me, and I even feel guiltier. If I say I am not touched, it would be a big lie ever. But I don’t know what to do… When I say thank you, you always say “you’re welcome”. I rather you tell me that “you owe me again”. But honestly, I really don’t know how to pay it back… I even told you thousands times stop being good to me, I find myself stuck. I don’t know what good things I have done and what I really have that I’m so lucky to meet a lot of good men who help me without any demand. Do you love me because I am so innocent? I am different from other “modern” girls? I am an extremely boring girl. I don’t know what the latest movie is. I don’t know what is in transformer. I enjoy sitting on the car more than arriving at the destination. I take good care of myself and wear nice clothes because I feel more comfortable to do so, not because I want to catch attention – I’m always shy and hide. I don’t believe in the adjective “forever”. I don’t believe in men. I don’t depend on them. I don’t believe in love. I love because I feel warm to be with him but when something gets wrong, I rather initially stop it to prevent hurting myself more. I say I’m not angry but my actions say it all. I say I didn’t cry but my puffy eyes betray me… Are those innocence make you love me? Then, those innocence also hurt you right now… I feel so guilty… But I even can’t tell you… I care about you but I don’t want to let you know cause I find myself so bad and I don’t want to make the situation worse… I’m always slower than people in love and feelings… Tomorrow, it could be the last time we see each other. When you leave, I might not cry, but then, when time passes, and I really can’t see you, I will definitely cry over and over. But I won’t let you know… I’ll never let you know…

You have to be happy. If we could meet again, we both could smile and you have to imitate what the frog says :) I will laugh like crazy as I always do. I will never forget all those beautiful flowers, all the candles, chocolate, the video you said that you love me, and asked me if I could be your girlfriend in Vietnamese… You must be having hard time learning it cause Vietnamese is an extremely difficult language :) and the biggest thing you have done for me is to stay friend and never mention about it. From now on, I have to go alone, and honestly, I don’t know which way to go… how can I make it… It seems like without you I get lost… but I would be fine. I have to be fine. I will think about myself more. I will not be that stupid. I will never anticipate that man anything. I also can’t see him anymore. I know now it cannot be the last time I’m feeling painful and crying, but I will get over it. I will be rational in every decision I make cause I’m fool enough. Thank you so much for teaching me how to love a person, and what a person loves me will do.

There are times, only tears understand what your heart feels.